I don't expect many deep things to go up on my blog, ever. Or come out of my mouth for that matter in real life conversation. In the past few years, as at least EC has attested to, I have turned from one of those people who is just plain uncomfortable with emotions, into one of those people who actually feels things once in awhile. A closer degree of normal. Along with my stone cold exterior, I had an interior to match that never quite went away. I had boyfriends and dated and talked to people that I didn't care about, they were boring, they annoyed me, but I felt like I needed some name to fit a role and fill in a blank once in awhile. These were people I got bored of, pushed away, straight up ignored, and was kind of my own little single at the same time. It has taken a lot of thought over the past week into what I wanted to say in this entry, whether I wanted to write it and get all...personal. But I decided to go there. A majority of it was like, the last post made it look like I was over someone because they knew other people. Let's just say, I am not (that) retarded. Shocked, I was, red flag, maybe; but it wasn't the end-all be-all.
This all started on my birthday, my 23rd birthday, which was on a Tuesday. I celebrated the weekend before with friends at the beach, and a 23rd birthday on a Tuesday felt really old and not exciting. I was planning pretty much on doing nothing. I took the day off so that people wouldn't put me in a bad mood at work on my birthday. I had work tests that Monday and had studied. That night this guy texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out, or if I was doing anything for my birthday that night. I'd talked to him that weekend when I was at the beach for the first time in a really long while. This was a person I had known since the first week of freshman year of college. He lived with my first serious boyfriend (aka my "married" stage) and randomly contacted me at the beginning of senior year. He always tried to take me out or whatever, but I always had something else going on. Over the years our friendship manifested as "that guy" I would talk to about like "what is my bf thinking" or "why is this girl so gay to me at social functions." When we were 21, he started buying me drinks at functions instead of his dates. So then I had like, a date buying me stuff, and him buying it. Looking back on it, such is my life, epic. When I was a senior and got in a big fight with friends and bf at the same time, he took me to Bojangles and promised to still be my friend, even if I had no others. Last year when I was out with a guy from work, Best, her future stalker, EC, and various fratstars I had known for the duration of my undergrad, he showed up with them and called me after to make sure I was okay and told me it was good to see me. It was like, I was at Cookout, my phone rang, and in my confusion as to why he was calling I probably almost got hit by a car and like left by my traveling party, not to mention burned my tongue on a french fry.
Anyways on the night of that Monday, we made plans to hang out. Drank a couple beers on my back deck at my old house (house reminiscent entry coming soon), and wound up talking for a long time. Subsequently since I was a wreck about turning 23 and moving into being "old" (I understand this was dumb) he was like "well I will stick around till at least midnight so that nothing happens."
This birthday turned into dating. Which turned into the ups and downs of another relationship I was not looking for, but I fell into. The month before I think I literally said to someone, "It would have to fall into my lap for me to want to date anyone right now." This whole picture was different though, it was the first one where I didn't see myself getting bored. I don't think I saw it not working out, and I think he kind of felt the same way. We brought up futures, places to live, jobs to have, trips to take. We had a break, bumps in the road, a crazy ex girlfriend situation, all of that. It wasn't until last weekend that I really realized it wouldn't work. I have thought all week since, what would have happened if I had just kept him as a friend.
It all started with a random comment he made at dinner about how "you and your friends were always too cool for me" which like, yeah in college I think I had deemed myself and my friends really cool at some point, but I didn't think that translated. I felt bad that I had made this friend think I was too cool at any point. It was a weird feeling. Beyond that, we had fun. Then circa late o'clock we were eating somewhere else before going home, and he got into these self-depreciative things. It pretty much started with "You're too pretty for me" and ended with "Well I forgot to tell you I am never getting married, so I'm sorry you've been wasting your time." I think my facial expression was something like that really confused face Kelly K. Bensimon had on RHONYC when Bethenny said something was seriously wrong with her (see image at top of entry). That was not the point. Ever. It was then really over when the waitress commented on my lack of eating my food/appetite and he says, "yeah, she never has an appetite." What. Blow me.
This whole thing goes back to that thing my mom and one of my best friends, CCF, always says, "If you're not happy with yourself, you can't try to be happy with someone else." Clearly, there is a missing link here. A growing up thing, experiences I have had in my one year working, and he is only starting now. It really hit me. There was speculation, but at that point it just was there. The elephant in the room sat down next to me and put it's arm on my shoulder. It's really sad to realize that this won't, and cannot work. I'm older, looking for other things, and apparently have done some sort of irreparable damage to this person's ego over several years. Or something that I was not aware of. And he really isn't the cocky bastard I always thought he was, and that's kind of what I look for. Someone's weird confidence to match mine. It's just a matter of getting along.
But I think the bottom line is that I miss my friend. The real "stupid girl" type shit I was doing was because this is a person I have known longer than most of my best friends, someone I could turn to with a problem or duck off with and have an epic two way conversation at a mundane event we were attending. Someone who bought me Bojangles one time for no reason and gave up their Saturday night to go to a movie and watch tv with me when I had the dreaded Mono. I am kind of hoping we can be friends. I don't know what friendly activities we can participate in, but hey, if he wants to acknowledge my presence in a room or group of people, that would be a start. Baby steps.
Anyways that's deep thoughts for you now. More shallow ones are on tap to follow.
