well bless your heart...

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As most people likely know at this point, I continue to have no free time. I only have time to think in figments of 140 characters, and at this moment I am doing some homework, blogging, and watching ABC's Nightline, because I have been negligent to change the channel since I was watching the Bachelor before. Life is excellent, and I kind of can't wait for February to end. Our peak time at work is about to start with the beginning of March, and everything is thawing out. I like that spring feeling.

I told one of my friends recently that I hadn't really been in touch with, "I never have time to talk to people, so you should probably just talk to me...I am still alive." And that's about all I have time to say. I can't wait to finish my semester and then really start my life, again.

I am currently...
Really enjoying watching Mike Huckabee duck hunting. Where is the remote?
Off of Facebook for over a year now, it's how I have gotten all this work done.
Obsessed with and addicted to hot yoga. Namaste.

The last two weeks.

As work has been picking up, and school has been making its final push towards the end of the semester, I have found myself very busy most of the time. Just to give you an idea of the typical day I go through...
6:15am - Rise and shine (it's really dark)
somewhere around 8:30am - arrive at work
9:00am - morning coffee. I have to add, my workplace has fresh Dunkin Donuts coffee every day, complete with a frequent buyers card. I am almost to my free cup!
noonish - lunch.
somewhere between 4:30 and 4:45pm, leave to go home, grab my things, and go to class for the rest of the night.
class 6-9pm.

So pretty much after class I kinda come home, sit in a cone of silence, maybe text with someone or something, and go to sleep to some sort of crappy tv show. Like Roseanne. That is, if I do not have a pressing project or assignment that would take precedence and keep me up later. I go from thing to thing all day, every day. I am really looking forward to the semester's break coming up, but also really enjoying having so much to do right now. I think it is having such little time to yourself that makes you cherish the simple random things so much more. And also it makes you want to do more with what time you have to yourself, not to waste time with trivial or stressful things.

The past two weekends have been perfect examples of that. Two weekends ago was the homecoming game. I went with a few of my close friends, and ran into several others. There is something about State having a good football season that makes the tailgating more fun. At homecoming Best and I did the traditional tailgate hop, had conversations about Yurman and wore dresses and boots. We ran into her brother, who supplied our tickets, and wound up hanging out at an RV tailgate where we got impromptu shagging lessons. On Sunday when I was telling someone "we shagged in front of the RV" they looked at me a little weird...then realized I was talking about the actual dance. Either way, it was just kind of epic. Who ever thought as a meer freshman in the dirt lot that as an alum I would be hanging out by the RV section getting life advice from people older than my parents. Epic.

This past weekend I did not want to go out, I was in kind of a funk from the week. On Saturday we did win our game, and a celebration was proposed. We went to dinner for Michelle's sister's birthday, and then headed down to our new preppy hangout spots. It is kind of like grown up Hillsborough scene, only with a mix of people. It's just not downtown. There is nobody in an Affliction teeshirt, and pretty much where those people are not, that is the place I should be. We ran into our old friend from the beach named Steele Magnolias (not really), and it was kind of a trip. Ran into a couple old coworkers as well who said they went there often, so I may have to keep it going. It was really just one of those nights where I almost called it early, had zero expectations, but then it was so much better.

Pretty much when my life hasn't felt like a bad episode of the Housewives of BH recently, it has been excellent. I am becoming more comfortable with my position and meeting more people at work, becoming more comfortable with the city I am in and those who are around me. I feel like the years right post college are an exercise in uncertainty. I feel like I am finally reaching a point where I see a bit of a path ahead of me, and it is kind of clear as to where I am going. There is still room for interpretation though, I like that.

I know Thanksgiving is in a few days, and this is really extremely cheesy, but I think all of this right now is something to be thankful for.

That and us beating Carolina.
Just sayin.

A deep thought, followed by other shallow ones.

I don't expect many deep things to go up on my blog, ever. Or come out of my mouth for that matter in real life conversation. In the past few years, as at least EC has attested to, I have turned from one of those people who is just plain uncomfortable with emotions, into one of those people who actually feels things once in awhile. A closer degree of normal. Along with my stone cold exterior, I had an interior to match that never quite went away. I had boyfriends and dated and talked to people that I didn't care about, they were boring, they annoyed me, but I felt like I needed some name to fit a role and fill in a blank once in awhile. These were people I got bored of, pushed away, straight up ignored, and was kind of my own little single at the same time. It has taken a lot of thought over the past week into what I wanted to say in this entry, whether I wanted to write it and get all...personal. But I decided to go there. A majority of it was like, the last post made it look like I was over someone because they knew other people. Let's just say, I am not (that) retarded. Shocked, I was, red flag, maybe; but it wasn't the end-all be-all.

This all started on my birthday, my 23rd birthday, which was on a Tuesday. I celebrated the weekend before with friends at the beach, and a 23rd birthday on a Tuesday felt really old and not exciting. I was planning pretty much on doing nothing. I took the day off so that people wouldn't put me in a bad mood at work on my birthday. I had work tests that Monday and had studied. That night this guy texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out, or if I was doing anything for my birthday that night. I'd talked to him that weekend when I was at the beach for the first time in a really long while. This was a person I had known since the first week of freshman year of college. He lived with my first serious boyfriend (aka my "married" stage) and randomly contacted me at the beginning of senior year. He always tried to take me out or whatever, but I always had something else going on. Over the years our friendship manifested as "that guy" I would talk to about like "what is my bf thinking" or "why is this girl so gay to me at social functions." When we were 21, he started buying me drinks at functions instead of his dates. So then I had like, a date buying me stuff, and him buying it. Looking back on it, such is my life, epic. When I was a senior and got in a big fight with friends and bf at the same time, he took me to Bojangles and promised to still be my friend, even if I had no others. Last year when I was out with a guy from work, Best, her future stalker, EC, and various fratstars I had known for the duration of my undergrad, he showed up with them and called me after to make sure I was okay and told me it was good to see me. It was like, I was at Cookout, my phone rang, and in my confusion as to why he was calling I probably almost got hit by a car and like left by my traveling party, not to mention burned my tongue on a french fry.

Anyways on the night of that Monday, we made plans to hang out. Drank a couple beers on my back deck at my old house (house reminiscent entry coming soon), and wound up talking for a long time. Subsequently since I was a wreck about turning 23 and moving into being "old" (I understand this was dumb) he was like "well I will stick around till at least midnight so that nothing happens."

This birthday turned into dating. Which turned into the ups and downs of another relationship I was not looking for, but I fell into. The month before I think I literally said to someone, "It would have to fall into my lap for me to want to date anyone right now." This whole picture was different though, it was the first one where I didn't see myself getting bored. I don't think I saw it not working out, and I think he kind of felt the same way. We brought up futures, places to live, jobs to have, trips to take. We had a break, bumps in the road, a crazy ex girlfriend situation, all of that. It wasn't until last weekend that I really realized it wouldn't work. I have thought all week since, what would have happened if I had just kept him as a friend.

It all started with a random comment he made at dinner about how "you and your friends were always too cool for me" which like, yeah in college I think I had deemed myself and my friends really cool at some point, but I didn't think that translated. I felt bad that I had made this friend think I was too cool at any point. It was a weird feeling. Beyond that, we had fun. Then circa late o'clock we were eating somewhere else before going home, and he got into these self-depreciative things. It pretty much started with "You're too pretty for me" and ended with "Well I forgot to tell you I am never getting married, so I'm sorry you've been wasting your time." I think my facial expression was something like that really confused face Kelly K. Bensimon had on RHONYC when Bethenny said something was seriously wrong with her (see image at top of entry). That was not the point. Ever. It was then really over when the waitress commented on my lack of eating my food/appetite and he says, "yeah, she never has an appetite." What. Blow me.

This whole thing goes back to that thing my mom and one of my best friends, CCF, always says, "If you're not happy with yourself, you can't try to be happy with someone else." Clearly, there is a missing link here. A growing up thing, experiences I have had in my one year working, and he is only starting now. It really hit me. There was speculation, but at that point it just was there. The elephant in the room sat down next to me and put it's arm on my shoulder. It's really sad to realize that this won't, and cannot work. I'm older, looking for other things, and apparently have done some sort of irreparable damage to this person's ego over several years. Or something that I was not aware of. And he really isn't the cocky bastard I always thought he was, and that's kind of what I look for. Someone's weird confidence to match mine. It's just a matter of getting along.

But I think the bottom line is that I miss my friend. The real "stupid girl" type shit I was doing was because this is a person I have known longer than most of my best friends, someone I could turn to with a problem or duck off with and have an epic two way conversation at a mundane event we were attending. Someone who bought me Bojangles one time for no reason and gave up their Saturday night to go to a movie and watch tv with me when I had the dreaded Mono. I am kind of hoping we can be friends. I don't know what friendly activities we can participate in, but hey, if he wants to acknowledge my presence in a room or group of people, that would be a start. Baby steps.

Anyways that's deep thoughts for you now. More shallow ones are on tap to follow.

When adulthood rudely hits you in the face.

I think I am there.

Things that made my week...

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It was my first full week of school this week, and there were some things that made it. Here is a list.

1. Music downloads: One of my friends took the liberty to give me the entire Teflon Don CD from Rick Ross. As well as some more inappropriate rap songs (the "Hard in the Paint" remix, etc) and some songs from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, an indie band. This entire collection of music really just framed my week and made me happy. I needed new things to listen to. I think the other thing here that is key is I am just really into blatantly ridiculous rap, like Rick Ross. So now I have all of his new stuff, which is excellent, that I can quote (inappropriately) as I please and play while I'm driving. In my Volvo. Bitch, I'm MC Hammer.

2. Classes & Homework: All I have to say about this is that finally knowing somewhat what to expect from everything makes a huge transition easier. People seem nice, I don't feel like a complete dumbass, everything should be okay.

3. One of my good friends visited, and it was just really good to see them. People like that make me happy.

4. I finally got back to the whole gymming and tanning (outdoor and indoor) thing. It just makes me feel a little bit better about life in a holistic sense. If you take some time out of the day to do good things for yourself, it can change the landscape of a mood of a day/week/month overall. So that's what I do. And please don't take the time to tell me tanning is really bad. I actually could care less, and I think that is a stupid opinion to share.

Its been a good first week of unemployment and study. I think I may be prepared for all of this after all! And I think I will start looking for a job when it gets a bit colder. I haven't had a break like this since sophomore year.

more JM wisdom

Because I really just feel like people should read this...

"I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form."

--John Mayer (via one forty plus)

The best way to say something...

I have done alot of growing up over the past four years, and one of those things is just learning how to conduct yourself, generally. One of the most important things you learn as a woman, is sometimes the best way to say something is to not say it at all. Yes, sometimes it is important to express your opinions and feelings, when it is appropriate. Trust I am not a woman for complete silence and that whole "seen but not heard thing" but there are certain situations where its best just to not talk.

I think the most important lesson to learn is this:
If you have to sit down and actually say "I'm better than you!" to someone, you are not.

You really have to take the high road. I personally think that doesn't make you weak, it actually prevents you looking crazy. Let's take two real life examples (I will summarize)...

Scenario 1: So here is a generic situation. This guy breaks up with you, and you are mad. You do start thinking about it, and in the end, maybe he wasn't the best for you. Though you are still annoyed and you do still think he is a douche, it's probably best not to tell him that. Just think about the person on the receiving end...if someone completely blew up at you and explained what a horrible jackass you think they are, you show that you have alot of power to make them upset. People like power, they may actually be impressed at the power they have. You feed them. That is not the object. Take the high road, don't say anything. Again, put yourself in their shoes, if you just didn't hear from a person again (after you were a retard) until you saw or heard from them in an amicable situation, you would think more highly of them. And possibly even clearly see them as the bigger person.
Please also note, if you Facebook chat your ex boyfriend who broke up with you 3 months ago to let them know you're the bigger person and that they're an asshole, you should get your head checked. You are not too good for them, you're the exact opposite. You have a problem, and you are causing problems for those around you. Get help. And girls, if you have a friend like this, help her. "Friendervention" as they say in SATC2...she will thank you one day.


Scenario 2: A more personal experience that I thought about recently. This was kind of like a Jill and Bethenny situation, only homegirl and I were definitely not friends first. Pretty much she started dating someone I had been in a long term relationship with previously. I broke up with him. I could care less who he was dating, and actually I didn't want him in my life. He pulled psycho things like I mentioned in Scenario 1 (see above) and basically I just wanted him to leave me be. So this girl sent me some sort of Facebook courtesy message after there were 1800 photos of them together and awkward sexual wallposts basically saying "hey girl, im dating *****, I hope you don't mind! ttyl! love ya!"
I believe I sent something back to the effect of "Hey, thats cool, he is not a part of my life, I don't care. I hope yall are good together. Kind of think this message was unnecessary, if you felt the need to talk to me about it, it should have been done in person."
That was all. Within three days it turned into this girl telling our whole sorority house I was sending her and my ex boyfriend consistent hate messages, that I had cheated on him, that I threatened her...blah blah blah. I had friends who heard this on a regular basis living in the house, they told me, I was boiling angry. I just remember thinking that I had to take the high road. And I did. I never said anything to that girl, I didn't sit around and trash her character like she chose to sit around and trash mine. It wasn't worth it...what exactly would that prove? And also, the entire time she was running around raving like an idiot, nobody really believed her. At all. I didn't lose any friends at all, she did not become part of the clique she was gearing towards, because they were my friends. They thought she was crazy.
Where do we stand now? All of her friends seem to really like me, and we hang out...and she can't say hi to me in public.
Now I do joke about the fact that I should tell her she needs a nosejob or something, and given the circumstance, I could see it happening if the time was right. But really, that's mostly a joke.

So in the end, who wins...Jill or Bethenny?
I'll give you a hint, I also happen to think pointing is kind of rude too.

I might be good at this...

For a really long time, many people have told me I would be really good at blogging. I've always been shy to start, but sometime around January or February I decided I would deactivate Facebook in favor of entering the blog world.

Step 1 happened rather quickly, I believe it was the first week of February. Facebook just started freaking me out. The whole idea of it. The number of people who I could see and who could see me. I don't hate on people who are on it, it's just really not for me. I like controlling things, and there was getting to be less and less I could control on that site. It drove me nuts, so it was over. I bid adieu to my friend/enemy/sometimes boo of 4 years in favor of more creative online mediums with which to share my life. Maybe someday either FB will be extinct, or I will reconcile with it in favor of putting up wedding or baby photos. I am hoping for the former (extinction) rather than the latter (forced reconciliation), but until then the future of our relationship remains to be seen.

So then there was the much anticipated "Step 2"
...okay y'all, I understand it's late May. I apologize. I spent much of Feb to present figuring out my next career moves, working out, dating people who bored me, watching the Real Housewives of New York City (and now Jersey also), shopping, and making every weekend count in a fine balance of relaxation and socializing. Living "off the grid" so to speak.
I realized recently while sharing a story through long rambling Gtalk paragraphs while I was at work that honestly, I have some pretty good stories. And well, if my stories are mundane, or not that good, I think I have a way of telling them so that they are fairly entertaining. It was then I had the epiphany of "This is why I should blog." Indeed.

This brings me here right now. I'm not sure what will go on here, but I mean at the very least it should be an entertaining glimpse of what goes on in my life, and what I think on a regular basis. And well, I need somewhere to put these things while I remember them and while everyone else finds it funny.